It is impossible for me to watch Michael with Brian any longer. I simply can’t do it. I can’t watch the man I love be torn between two people that he loves. And watching him look up at Brian with adoration in his eyes tears my heart in half. I can’t be angry at him. I always say you can’t help the way you feel. And while that may be true, it doesn’t make packing my clothes to move out any easier. There simply is no other way out. I don’t know how long I have. And while I hate to think like that, it is a very real predicament for me. I am unsure of my time left here with people. I want to surround myself with those who I love and who love me back. I am sure that Michael loves me, there’s very little doubt in my head. I just wonder if there’s any reasoning behind me trying to make him love Brian less. He’s devoted, loyal, loving, caring, and especially wonderful. But I can’t make him not love Brian. It is the impossible feat. I have to go. There’s no justification behind me pulling him away from his best friend for God only knows how long. And even if I tried, there’s no guarantee I really could. Brian’s hold on Michael is stronger than anything I have ever seen before.
I pause, zipping the suitcase on the bed and look down at the nightstand - my book on one side, his comics on the other - leaving may be just as impossible a task as staying, I realize.