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29 August 2008 @ 08:48 pm
September Prompt - Impossible  

It is impossible for me to watch Michael with Brian any longer. I simply can’t do it. I can’t watch the man I love be torn between two people that he loves. And watching him look up at Brian with adoration in his eyes tears my heart in half. I can’t be angry at him. I always say you can’t help the way you feel. And while that may be true, it doesn’t make packing my clothes to move out any easier. There simply is no other way out. I don’t know how long I have. And while I hate to think like that, it is a very real predicament for me. I am unsure of my time left here with people. I want to surround myself with those who I love and who love me back. I am sure that Michael loves me, there’s very little doubt in my head. I just wonder if there’s any reasoning behind me trying to make him love Brian less. He’s devoted, loyal, loving, caring, and especially wonderful. But I can’t make him not love Brian. It is the impossible feat. I have to go. There’s no justification behind me pulling him away from his best friend for God only knows how long. And even if I tried, there’s no guarantee I really could. Brian’s hold on Michael is stronger than anything I have ever seen before.

I pause, zipping the suitcase on the bed and look down at the nightstand - my book on one side, his comics on the other - leaving may be just as impossible a task as staying, I realize.

michele659: bjarmkissmichele659 on August 30th, 2008 08:05 am (UTC)
Don't give up Ben! Michael is just holding onto a fantasy he's had since high school and he's having trouble letting go. But he will realize that he has a grown up love that is much more real than his fantasy now. Someone who'll make him very happy. In fact, he's figuring that out right now.(That person is you,Ben!)
Also, Brian is in love with Justin-even if he can't admit it. He's also just holding onto a familiar fantasy that was comforting to him at one time. That fantasy of someone who'll always love him and be there. But he has that now in reality with Justin,so don't worry!

I really liked this. It really showed Ben's feelings during that time.I'm glad that he didn't give up. It's good that he realized that it would be impossible for him to leave after all.
profzenbenprofzenben on August 30th, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it. And it would have been impossible to leave him! Especially because as much as it probably bothered him to see the way Michael looked up at Brian, I am more than sure the way that Michael looks up at Ben himself has to make his heart melt. There's a lot of power behind Michael's brown eyes! :)
michele659: Brian/Justinkissmichele659 on August 30th, 2008 08:08 am (UTC)
I forgot to add that I love your banner and that picture of Ben on the side. He's so gorgeous (what was it Justin said? The "hottest guy in Pittsburgh").
profzenbenprofzenben on August 30th, 2008 07:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks, I love them too. I had nothing to do with it. It was all Viv. She even put them on the layout for me. She's the greatest. :) Clearly.

And maybe I'm remembering it wrong but I thought that he said he was hottest man he had ever seen. Either way he was right. He's beautiful!! :)

Thanks again for the comments! :)
starlightbj on August 30th, 2008 08:58 am (UTC)
Aww *pets Ben*

I love Ben and I'm glad to see you've got an LJ for him. He had the patience of a saint with Michael about Brian.

I think Michael wasn't still in love with Brian when he was with Ben but he sort of had a co-dependence, it was habitual to be so involved with Brian's life because Michael had done it for half his life.

I like these musings, leaving may be more impossible than staying.
profzenbenprofzenben on August 30th, 2008 07:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much. Ben likes petting even more than I do ;)

And yes, I think Michael just needed to go from Mikey to Michael. If that makes sense. Ben was there to help him through that, but I don't imagine it was ever really easy for him. That's a rough position. But ben was patient and loving and caring and that was hard for Michael to miss.

I also think that Ben loved Michael too much to let him go.
*Dops: Kinney *black and white Wowdoppelgangerqaf on August 30th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
Hi Professor,

I feel your pain and I understand your predicament but I think that Michael loves you a lot. He might love Brian but it doesn't mean he loves you less... And by the way Michael talks about you, I think it is worth staying around. I know this is hard right now... But see, you already have realized leaving Michael is an impossible task :O)