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29 August 2008 @ 08:48 pm
September Prompt - Impossible  

It is impossible for me to watch Michael with Brian any longer. I simply can’t do it. I can’t watch the man I love be torn between two people that he loves. And watching him look up at Brian with adoration in his eyes tears my heart in half. I can’t be angry at him. I always say you can’t help the way you feel. And while that may be true, it doesn’t make packing my clothes to move out any easier. There simply is no other way out. I don’t know how long I have. And while I hate to think like that, it is a very real predicament for me. I am unsure of my time left here with people. I want to surround myself with those who I love and who love me back. I am sure that Michael loves me, there’s very little doubt in my head. I just wonder if there’s any reasoning behind me trying to make him love Brian less. He’s devoted, loyal, loving, caring, and especially wonderful. But I can’t make him not love Brian. It is the impossible feat. I have to go. There’s no justification behind me pulling him away from his best friend for God only knows how long. And even if I tried, there’s no guarantee I really could. Brian’s hold on Michael is stronger than anything I have ever seen before.

I pause, zipping the suitcase on the bed and look down at the nightstand - my book on one side, his comics on the other - leaving may be just as impossible a task as staying, I realize.

starlightbj on August 30th, 2008 08:58 am (UTC)
Aww *pets Ben*

I love Ben and I'm glad to see you've got an LJ for him. He had the patience of a saint with Michael about Brian.

I think Michael wasn't still in love with Brian when he was with Ben but he sort of had a co-dependence, it was habitual to be so involved with Brian's life because Michael had done it for half his life.

I like these musings, leaving may be more impossible than staying.
profzenbenprofzenben on August 30th, 2008 07:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much. Ben likes petting even more than I do ;)

And yes, I think Michael just needed to go from Mikey to Michael. If that makes sense. Ben was there to help him through that, but I don't imagine it was ever really easy for him. That's a rough position. But ben was patient and loving and caring and that was hard for Michael to miss.

I also think that Ben loved Michael too much to let him go.